Mon. Dec 30 2002
Almost everything is going well, Butoh is great, I am ready for tomorrow night, Wing Chun is great, I have both forms totally memorized, I am changing my diet wed (after new year's eve, I have a feeling I will blow the whole thing if I start it tonight) I have no money now, I gave it all to my parents, and I have worked half of my usual hours, and yet all my expenses stayed the same, so I probably won't be saving any money this paycheck, but I will be right back on track next paycheck. The final problem: I received an E-mail from Sophia. Basically she told me not to worry about her romantically, and that it's over between us in that way. WOW, that was a shock, I was looking forward to seeing her again, I was informed that she was under the impression that we were a couple, so I decided that was a good idea, and went with it. Thus I didn't date anyone. Now out of the blue she sends me that E-mail, I basically got the feeling that it was totally over, and that it didn't really mean anything anyways. I can live with this, it's happened before, I've even done it myself. At least I was informed about it, I am just really confused about it. I was upset about her mentioning what she has read in my journal (not the first time she has done that) I kinda hoped the warning at the top of the page would let people in on the fact that this is how I write in all of my journals not just my online one. It's like I'm writing it for people to read 100 years from now, or at least after I am dead. So I don't mind if people read it, as long as they don't bring it to my attention, kinda like if someone read my journal that I write in a book, I wouldn't even know they had read it until they told me. So I bring Nicole in to translate for me, and she does, and also informs me that Sophia may think that I know that she is reading it, so whatever I write in here is because I know she will read it, and I want her to read it, or some screwed up notion like that. Just so everyone knows, Yes I realize people may read this, but it is not written with anyone in mind! it is my thoughts and experiences that I just feel like I need to write down, so go to hell if you are going to think that I have you in mind while I write it. Yes I am mad, why can't people just read things? maybe pay attention to what they read, I also think that the fact that I missed my medication yesterday and possibly the day before is having an adverse affect on me. (gee you think so???) So basically I am confused, a lil upset and definately on edge. Thus things aren't the way I want them, but they are definately some sort of way. Just roll with the punches and keep on trucking. Maybe I will go pick a fight tonight. But I can't, I might get kicked out of Kung Fu, sounds like about 7 or 8 hours of meditation for me. Oh well, life sucks sometimes, that's just life.
Wed. Dec 25 2002
I spent christmas eve alone, and now I will spend christmas day alone.
Sun. Dec 22 2002
So I am enjoying myself, just having a fun time with life. The more I meditate and do the internal and basic forms the more balanced I feel. I am thinking that this is a good thing. Life is moving on, too fast in some areas, like Kung Fu, I wish I had more time to get everything I want done, or at least get it done faster I guess, and way to slow like with soccer and moving to Italy. I want to be there now, playing pro already, living my dream and goal, but I guess the most important part of it, or at least a part that carries alot of weight is the journey to the end of the goal, it really is the most important. The journey, the path, the time spent getting there, being present and not focusing on what lies ahead, but without a peak to the mountain, or something to focus on there would be no path. I love how everything is intertwined, and never just cut and dry, straight forward. Practice for the Butoh performance is going great, I am struggling with the no paper mask dance, but I will get it down. I almost asked a girl out on a date, it has been a long time since I have done that, but I felt that I shouldn't, so I followed my intuition, so far I have had nothing negative come from following that feeling. Church was good, had a nice program, and I went to our family party, it was nice, I read some of my Haiku but only a few people even grasped slightly what they were about. Oh well, I never wrote the Haiku for them anyways. After that I went to the ward prayer (singles ward) it was nice, and I enjoyed it, kept to myself alot. There was a cute girl there, named Darcie, she is 25, and really nice, I'm thinking about asking her out on a date, but I am not entirely sure if I will, I wouldn't mind it, but I would like to wait and talk with Sophia before I just go out and start dating. I don't even know if I am going to start dating, I'm doing really well at saving money right now, and I don't have a ton of free time, and besides most people near my age are leaning more and more towards marriage, and I want a few more years before I do that, I just can't allow myself to get married without being able to support a family first. Patience is a virtue I guess, besides I am young, and there are 3 billion women in the world, if one feels she can't wait until I am ready, then there will always be another. I know that is not romantic, it just seems like the obvious and honest truth. It's the same for women, there are tons of men out there. I have met tons of beautiful and wonderful women up to this point, and I am sure I will meet many many more even after I am married. Just of matter of good timing, making a decision, and then not straying from that decision. Some people feel they need to get married soon, if they don't they will be to old and never get married. My mom was 32 when she got married and my dad was 28, and I have known several older people (in there 70's and 80's) who have gotten married, so there is always time. Honestly I would like to be married by 25, but I can't control or dictate the future, I am just as unsure about when I will be married and to whom, as the next person. Other than all of that, I am beginning to learn more and more, and pick things up faster, I am really enjoying it, hopefully I will have my parents paid off in the next 4 months, and then I will begin my hard push for moving to Italy. I am nearing a crossroads, I need to sit down once again and decide what it is I want to do. Stay here, continue Wing Chun with Sifu Gardner, make a living here, and settle down, or move to Italy, try my hardest to be a pro soccer player, hopefully find another Sifu in Italy I can train with, and then see where I go from there. I definately want to return to Sifu Gardner semi-frequently while I am in Italy, if I go, and to see if he approves of where I am progressing in life and in Wing Chun. I would really like to be able to make enough money to make sure my parents can retire without a worry, and to provide for my family, even if I never work another day of my life, and I refuse to stop working, I love it too much, and it's a good thing to have your children see you out working hard, and providing, and it gives you and your wife a break from one another. Cabin fever is not the best thing to have when you are in a marriage. So there are some of my thoughts right now, maybe sometime soon I will have more. Have fun.
Mon. Dec 16 2002
This will be short, alot has happened, yet nothing I feel like mentioning, if I did I would have to write for quite a while, maybe tomorrow night I will feel up to it. I am struggling with tendinitis of the heel on my left foot, I am reading Zen and the art of motorcycle maintainance, I love this book, and training for Butoh is going well. I am still saving money, and I just got over food poisoning, so I will be working again tomorrow. I have sparred with Sifu Jarmin and Sifu Gardner, it hurt both times, and I will prepare myself for it again. Other than all of that things are good and normal. Just trucking along through life. Not entirely sure where I am going but I am definately enjoying the journey.
Fri. Dec 6 2002
Work was good, I have 40 hours this week, if I do things right I will have 40-45 next week, I just have to be careful because of the holiday season, I have to keep my income up. I finally got a hold of Deanna Combs, she sounds very happy, I'm glad things are working out for her, she has even turned into a lady. (she said so herself) I hope to go hang out with her sometime soon and catch up a lil more. Other than all of that I am doing great, things are moving along, and I am happy. My mood swings still happen, but as usual when I am in a good mood, things don't seem that bad, I just hope the longer I live with it the less of an impact the mood swings will have on me. I had some cool stuff to write down, but it just doesn't seem all that important to me anymore, it was just about jealousy, and anger and that, but I experience that daily, so I am already aquainted with those. Well when something new happens, I will write about it.
Thur. Dec 5 2002
Alright I went to Butoh, it rocked as usual, sadly I won't be doing much in the performance, but it's OK I have only been going for 3 weeks, and everyone else has done at least one show with Sifu before. Hopefully I will get at least a few minutes on the stage though. I have $400.00 in my savings right now, and I am on top of my debts to this date. I hope to put away $400 a month, and if I get lucky up to $600. But at least a minimum of $400.
Tues. Dec. 3 2002
I went to Wing Chun today, it was fantastic! I got punched in the cheek, the nose and the lip. Nothing like having a little actual punching and hitting, even if it is inadvertant. I have been working, as usual, and spent a lil time thinking. I decided I would contact old girlfriends, I found out that alot of them are married now, they didn't even let me know. Actually I haven't even spoken to any of them, just there parents, and they behaved as if I was the devil for calling after they got married. Oh well, I wanted to know what was new in there lives, and now I know. I finally got through to Deanna's house, and she was home, but leaving right then, hopefully I will get to talk to her in the next day or two. I really want to know what's new in her life, it's been so long since we have talked. Oh yeah, she was never a girlfriend, but in 8th grade she visited me nearly everyday after school while I had mono, I was an idiot, I should have asked her out, but now I just want to know what's new and how she is doing. I hope everything is going great for her. I have had a few ups and downs, just mood swings, nothing major, but I am getting sick of Jeff and Devlin at work, they swear a ton, take like 6 or 7 smoke breaks a day and work at like half speed. Oh well, no one is perfect, I just have to try and keep my calm. I am so excited for thursday! Sifu Gardner reminded me as I was leaving that we begin practice for our show on new year's eve!!!! It's going to be so fun, I'm so happy that he wants me to perform too! I am inviting everyone I know to it! I am getting better at Wing Chun too, picking up more and more, and even getting things perfected, well closer to perfected. My family life is ok, normal for me at least, I just kinda avoid everyone. I have realized that not only am I anti-social, but my claustrophobia also affects me in relationships. If I can't see a way out, I run screaming or just totally shut down. I am working on that one, hopefully I can come up with a solution. I am better, but I still need alot of time alone, it's just not predictable when, I really really feel sorry for my wife and children. Well my mind is blank now, so I will just end with that.