Tues. Feb 25 2003
This is a letter I wrote to Vangeline, it seems to cover what I have been thinking about lately, and I figured it would make a good journal entry.Hey Vangeline,
Just thought I would write you a quick letter. I feel like my life sucks right now, I am struggling to figure out what I am going to be doing, or how I can change things, but I have a feeling it will all work out, plus I have to stay positive, if I don't I just end up in a downward spiral. On the positive side though, I am still alive. I have been working up the courage to go to the few really rich people I know and ask for a $25,000.00 loan, I just haven't done it yet... it's like I still have a few desires in me, but I have lost all of my energy and drive. Really disconcerting, any ideas on how to get it back? I pray daily, read the scriptures, meditate, and do light excercise... what am I misisng? We finally got a little snow here, but we are still short several feet. About being with a woman, I don't feel that I would be weakened by being with one, more along the lines of I suck at being in a commited relationship, and my religion is against premarital sex, and I get really scared being so open and loving with anyone. Oh yeah, and the fact that my labido is 20 times larger than anyone else I know, I am afraid that I would lose myself in the physical, and only care about the physical and not the person. I figured I would keep away from most of the physical, (I can't stay away from all of it) and establish the love and caring for the person first. Basically right now I am confused and going in a million directions, and just writing whatever comes to mind, hoping I might get some clarity. I can attain calm and clarity, but when I do I am lacking the drive to do what I know, or think I should do. I will probably talk to SiFu about that tonight. He's like a father to me, maybe he can help me here. My own dad just tells me to "just do it" and "well, just fix it!" but he has no clue what the hell I should do. Hmmm.... I'm still upset at my parents, maybe it's because of my own personal ideas of how they should behave, what they should know, and how they should help me. That's definitely something I will look into. I know what I want in life, it just seems that everytime I think of it, or go to attain it, it crumbles. Frustration is my friend.... ugggh. Well now that I have just dumped that on you I will let you go, I still love you and miss you. I wish for your continued growth and you better smile alot! Taylor
Sun. Feb 23 2003
All things must come to an end. Nothing is ever the same. Why don't I allow myself to love continually? It's like I wait till I will explode, then release, then keep it all in until I'm about to explode again. I want to get married, but I know that's not the answer. I have many things to take care of first, plus a marriage isn't a place to expect to change you or fix things. If you aren't already on that path, getting married probably won't get you there. It's like I realize that you are the one in charge of yourself, so I avoid others, kinda like you are the only one who can help you. But another part of me wants someone else there to do it all. I am trying so hard to find a balance, it's almost as if life were a balancing act. That makes sense though, an extreme in any direction isn't the best thing for you, but being stagnant is just as bad. Will I ever find the answers? Probably not. Will I ever learn to live despite my problems? Well that's my goal. I still feel like doing nothing, but my drive to move on is greater. Right now I want to progress because it will make me a better person for the people I love, but I hope to someday progress because I love myself. It's hard to love others when you struggle to love yourself. I have alot of work ahead of me (the rest of my life) but at least I know I won't give up. Even if I stop for a while I will always stand back up and continue onward. I just get so lonely sometimes. I miss the touch of a woman, and touching a woman, allowing ourselves to bathe in one another's love, respect, and passion. I'm only human, I still have desires and dreams. Right now I want to hold a woman close and love her. Maybe someday I will find one who will allow me too. Most expect more out of me, or don't want to get mixed up emotionally, so they avoid emotions all together. I guess they don't understand that I'm asking for a lover, not a girlfriend. (although I am open to that as well) For some reason I make a distinction between the two. Right now I want to love and be loved, physically and emotionally, nothing more. Is that truly such a hard thing? Maybe I'm desiring the impossible, but I must be true to myself and acknowledge how I feel, and at least try to find what I'm looking for before I settle for something else. (and something else isn't bad, just not exactly what I am desiring right now)
Sat. Feb 22 2003
I'm depressed. Why? I don't know why. I murdered today. I murdered a Jackrabbit. My father, brothers and I were out rabbit hunting, I shot one and it was still alive when I got to it, so I twisted it's head 360 degrees. The feeling of bones snapping is odd. One a rabbit my dad shot I ended up cutting it's spinal colum at the neck because it was still alive, and ended up cutting the entire head off. I didn't do this because I wanted to hurt the animals, but to end it's pain quickly. I don't even know if doing what I did does that. Although I kinda liked it (my primal urge) I have never enjoyed the idea or the act of hurting or killing anything. I struggle to kill an insect. I talked about taking the rabbits home and making a stea but everyone else thought I was crazy. *next part was written later that evening* I'm tired, will I ever attain my goals? Do I even want to? It's like I'm missing part of my desire or it wanes. What should I do? How do I change it? I want to fulfill my dreams, but I'm lacking something, almost like it's not a burning desire all the time. Is it supposed to wax and wane? What am I supposed to do?
Fri. Feb 21 2003
My emotions are coming to a fulcrom. I want so badly to have someone to love, and be loved by. To commit to and share in the joy of the ups and downs of a loving relationship. I want someone who really cares about me but is secure in themselves. I realize I need alot of work to become a better partner but I am near a point of being able to make the neccesary changes. I enjoy so much just loving someone, but so often it has seemed like gate was against me. No more! I will follow through on my dreams, I will be able to support a gamily, and then I will find a woman whom I love. My greatest dream and desire in life is not soccer, ever since I can first remember, it has been the desire to love and be loved, to be in a commited relationship. Tp truly commit to someone and be with them for all time. Well I guess I'm a hopeless romantic, but I will continue to hope that I will find a woman who will not only be attractive to me, but reciprocate my feelings on this subject, and my feelings for her. I guess tonight I will just dream in my heart that I am holding her now, just being together saying and doing nothing, letting our feelings permeate through the air.
Thur. Feb 20 2003
So I am going to volunteer for my Singles ward Talentless show, I will be performing Butoh. It will not be a set performance, but more like what you do in practice, or at a workshop, all from inside, no idea what I am going to do until I am doing it. I'm fairly sure I will explode their minds, and once again I will save the universe. Besides that I am hurting, I slept wrong last night and I have been able to barely walk, I worked... that was no fun, I need to get a new job, like maybe 25K will appear in my pocket so that I can dedicate my time to training. I got an email from Sifu Mark, he says in mid March we will have our pipeline of stuff from china, I'm looking forward to that. I watched a Butoh performance tonight, it was sent to Sifu from his teacher in Japan, now it was awesome, I loved it, but I do have to say that some of those women had amazing chests, but I don't think I will do too well in a nude or semi nude performance... cause well I really like women alot. On the other hand I am trying to stay positive everyday, and be thankful and show gratitude for all that I have, including the things I don't like. I've been organizing things in my life very slowly, like my friends email addresses, cleaning the room where I will be storing all my clothes, they need to be in a closet and not all over the floor. Also I am having some weird feeling, I can't describe it, but I'm sure it's important. I will probably know more about it later. Yippee.
Wed. Feb 19 2003
Alright, I remembered that last night, thanks to the help of Sifu Jarmin I avoided fighting with 3 people. Last night was fun, I went to the show, which was ok, and then we went to get food, then sat in the hot tub, and then hung out in Vangeline's hotel room. I fell asleep for a little while, after everyone left but Jon and I. Then I woke up and Jon went to sleep. Vangeline and I watched some news, and talked alot. I told her that I was attracted to her, she seemed to know that already (surprise surprise) and actually I think that she felt closer to me afterwards. She told me to write her as soon as I can, and I plan on taking a trip to New York in the next 4 months. I am also planning on getting a mala (sp?) which is like catholic prayer beads. It helps you keep count of how many recitations you have done, plus you wear it all the time so it reminds you of the dharma (sp) which are the teachings of buddha, and the other enlightened/realized beings. I plan on using it, but to enhance my own personal religious beliefs, I still firmly believe the LDS religion to be true. I read a letter today that was addressed to my dad, the guy said that Feb 20 2003 is when the lord will cleanse his temple, and that 33 days after that, New York will be destroyed. I hope New York doesn't get destroyed, I was planning a trip to go there. Other than that my life is still the same, but I do still feel just fine from the Butoh. It also turns out that I was invited to train with Diego in august, in mexico, for 3 months. It's not a workshop, it's actually his personal training and I was invited to join him. It's a great honor, but I don't know if I will fit it in my schedule. I really wish I had the money I wanted right now, I am really really tempted to stop the soccer dream, but everytime I think about being out on the field, I get such a strong and good feeling that overwhelms everything else, I just know it's something I should do. Well I'm sure I wil write again in the next week, have fun.
Tue. Feb 18 2003
Alot has happened, I have just been too busy to write until now. I went to the Butoh workshop with Diego Pinon. It was awesome. I learned alot, and life is alot better now. There is no way to describe what it's like, you just have to be there. I met alot of awesome people, I hope we keep in contact. One person I met was Vangeline, she is originally from france, very beautiful, and fun. She is 32 or 33, but that doesn't bother me, of course we aren't exactly going after one another (although I wouldn't say no to her). I think I make her uncomfortable when I start to really stare at her, not stare in her eyes, she doesn't mind that, but when I just stare at her, like her lips, or her wrist, or any part of her body, and just staring at it with an odd look on my face. Course that seems to bother everyone, oh well, I still do it. I have Jow of my own now, to help with toughening and bruises. An opportunity came up to make up to $30K this summer, but I don't know if I am going to go for it. I really don't want to leave red lotus school. I am still trying to find someone to loan me or give me a grant of $25K. The family is doing the science of getting rich together, I have a feeling it's all going to work out. I also asked the Lord for a confirmation of his support and allowance of me to go to Italy to be a pro soccer player, and it was given. I will be one, and soon, I just think that I need patience while all the ducks are lined up in a row. I also talked to Larue (hans' mom) about getting her and the kids out of the house and away from Carl. It will take time before we get it accomplished, but I told her that when she is ready for it, that myself, my mom and jon jon are behind her and will support her. I got hurt recently, I was not intentionally hurt, but I was hurt. When I talk to Brenda, and I am totally open and my feelings are obviously not reciprocated, it hurts, but I am ok with that, I understand the consequences of being this way and I accept them gratefully. Besides, I get to be her friend and help her when she is in need. Tonight the Kung Fu class is going to the Shaolin Monks show, it will be great. Also last night the Kung Fu students who went to the Butoh workshop went to sit in a hot tub, then went out dancing last night, and also watched a movie. It was great, and we should do it at least once a month. We also avoided getting into a fight with one man, and then two men. I learned alot about being aware of your anger, being able to use it as your power, but not letting it control you. I hope to one day be invited to be a discipple of Sifu, and a dream of mine is to build a building for the Gonpa and Red Lotus school, one that would have everything Sifu wanted and more. Also Sify Mark flew to china, so I should be getting a supply of ginseng and other things from china soon. My uncle Bill died yesterday, I am glad he died, he was suffering alot, he had emphesima, then got pneumonia, then got a staff infection from the hospital, and the doctors said they could do nothing about it, sent him home and he died. I feel sorry for aunt Joleen, I will need to spend time with her. Let's see what else... I will be starting on Sifu's kitchen floor soon, and when we finally have a normal class again I will be recieving my yellow sash. I have spent time looking into have Master Duncan Leung come and train me while I am in Italy, as well as training with Sifu here during the summer break from the soccer season. There isn't much more going on, I have been struggling to get out of a depression that set in after Jonathan's death, I am nearly out of it, but it's harder and harder to go to work, I would rather be training all day long. Well, I am sure I will come up with more tonight after the show.
Sun. Feb 09 2003
Friendship Zone - The place where all is happy, perfect, and full of fun. So, in reality, where I reside, it seems to be a great "safe" place. Not nearly as many pitfalls, or rewards as in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It seems I am resigned to live a life in this friendship zone AKA: holding cell. It's alot like a holding pattern that airplanes go into when there are too many at the airport, you just cruise around in the same pattern for what seems to be forever, and if you get a lucky break you can actually land. I don't mind it too much, right now I can't afford the time, money or emotional strength it takes to be in a commited realtionship like a bf/gf would have. That's what I have been working on for a long time. I realized that I miss church, I go to sacrament alot, but I think I will go to the whole thing again. I've read the science of getting rich, and I am reading How to make money for anything fast. Both are good books, and although they talk about making money they focus on making a better, well rounded person. So I will try them out for 6 months. and see what happens. I know I want to be a Sifu of Wing Chun, and also pro soccer player, these are my main goals in life right now. Although I must become an all around better person to attain these goals, of course the road to attaining these goals makes me a better person as well. I like situations like these. My family worked together for the first time tonight on the science of getting rich, it was good, I just wish we will do it more than twice a week. At the rate we are going it will take 3 months to finish all of the lifelabs. I think we will pick it up soon though. Yesterday I hung out with Brenda, it was awesome, we found a beautiful dress for her to wear, although I wouldn't mind a personally date with her in the burgundy one, (the words it made me think of were sultry, dark, and sex) but the blue one she got makes her look so beautiful. (I thought of the words beautiful, pure, and perfect) Whoever goes with her to that dance is a lucky lucky man. After the shopping we went to my house and watched some movies, it was fun, I held her again, I think I allowed my emotions to take over too much, I just wanted so badly to be with her, and be close like lovers are. I talked to her about it a little bit today, it turns out I made her uncomfortable (gee... I could have seen that a million miles away if I would have been paying attention) and I told her I would not have any feelings for her at all beyond friendship. Once again I have taken my skill of manipulating my emotions and changing them, and used them. I could have sworn a long time ago I said I would never do it again, that I would just feel whatever emotions I have. Well, I just need to keep an eye on myself and make sure I don't return to how I used to be. (how I used to be = the original reason I said I would never manipulate my emotions again) Lots of danger there, alot of pain and abuse for myself, as well as those around me... yucky business. So I am just a guy, working on getting his life in order, attaining my goals and dreams, and while I am at it making sure I can support a family and help others. Life is life eh?
Tue. Feb 04 2003
So today is ok, I have read most of the science of getting rich, it's a fantastic book. I'm taking everything it says to heart and testing it out, if things don't get better withing six months I will try something else. Tonight the WIng Chun class goes out to celebrate the chinese new year, that will be great, but I will miss having a good work out, we are only doing a minimal one, and I think the sash ceremonies have been put on hold until things get back to normal. Oh well, it's just a good lesson in patience. I am being grateful for more and more things, and it makes my days better, and alot more enjoyable. For some reason I want a girlfriend, I can't quite figure out why, but I also seem to be destined not to have one. Frustrating eh? Oh well, it just means I have more time to train and also the ability to save money.
Sun. Feb 02 2003
Tomorrow I start running again, as well as Kung Fu training in the mornings. I will be slowly making things harder and harder. I also started reading The Science of Getting Rich, it seems like a good book, but I need to apply the principles for a few months and see how it turns out. Other than that I am still single, I seem to avoid most people, and those that I don't avoid end up avoiding me. Oh well, I will get it all figured out later, I have to get some sleep.