Thur. Jan 30 2003
Well the funeral is over now. I was made a pallbearer, I cried so much it hurt, and now I feel like vomiting even more. Basically I am hurt. I found out that he was happy for the last part of his life, I am glad for that. I promised Chris and Josh that I would visit them at there grandma's house. I am so tired, so hurt, so confused, and yet at the same time I feel that it's all ok. All I am really planning on doing is continuing down the path I am on, Church, Wing Chun, Butoh, Tai Chi, Soccer and work. But for today all I will do is mourn. I'm torn apart inside.
Mon. Jan 27 2003
I found out last night around 1 AM that my childhood bestfriend, Jonathan Cordery died. I met him when I was about 3 or 4, I remember we got in a fight on the Mechams lawn while our mothers talked. After that we were bestfriends. We would play games all the time, watch nature shows and pretend we were animals. Dig in his backyard, and play in our tree forts. He took some of his mother's prescription pills, and 200 Tylenol, he was in ICU for a while, but it completely destroyed his liver, and he died. What do you say about something like this, every year I lose someone close to me, it's been like this since I was 6 years old. It's never gotten easier, I have never learned a way to deal with it, I could just go numb, but I know I'm not happy like that. How do you live with the pain, I know it gets softer the longer it's been, but every year I lose someone else, and it just brings up the pain of all the people I have lost. If only I could have been a better friend later in life, or just done something, I don't even know what, but if I had, maybe he never would have ended up dying like this. I feel like vomiting, curling up in a ball and crying, and doing absolutely nothing. I don't think I could stand companionship right now, if I had a girlfriend all I would be able to do is to have her hold me, and I don't know if I could even do that. I cried last night, until fairly early in the morning, I just couldn't function. I stayed on the floor in and out of sleep until 2 in the afternoon, I just didn't want to get up. I don't want to face the world anymore. I just want it to leave me alone. I wish I could die, but I can't. For some damn reason I just can't die. I want to be angry, or to go out and fight, or do something to just forget this pain. Why couldn't I help him. Why didn't I rush to his side when I found out he was in ICU, and at least let him know that I still cared. I thought he would be fine, I thought he would make it, and then I could spend time with him, I always hated being in a hospital, it was nice to have people visit but I didn't know what to say to them. Why couldn't I have just helped him. Why did he have to die. Why is it so hard for me to cry. Why do I always feel so alone at times like these. I just want to cry, is that such a difficult request?
Tues. Jan 14 2003
Today was long, work was boring, I hit my thumb with the hammer, a board dropped on my index finger/fingernail, I had a 25 ft. tall 2 in. galvanized pipe fall on my head and arm, and basically got beat up more than anything. Wing Chun was good, we had a short work out then we went to dinner. We spent a long time talking and enjoying one another's company. I really love this school and this class. I hope to be able to do a similar thing when I am older. I really am thankful for the change that has occurred in my life, things are so much better, and I am happier alot more. I hope to be able to be apart of the catalyst that causes changes like that in other peoples lives. I am struggling with money, but I am going to prove(prove is actually a word for test),(once again), the tithing promise. Hopefully by paying a full tithe I will have enough money for all of my needs. I just hope that God counts the expenses I have now, like Butoh and Kung Fu as things I need. If not, well I guess this is a good way to find out, but I feel that it is something I need, especially since it fell into my lap and it has changed my life so much and in so many positive ways, it has even helped me to read the scriptures every night for 30 min. My dating life is dead, I have met a few new people, but I haven't had a date in a while, but hey that's ok, I really need to focus on making more lasting friends, but if I go on dates, I'm none the worse. Sides, I really like dates, and I really really like having someone to just hold and spend time with. Well my brother is kicking me out of his room so I will write more later.
Fri. Jan 10 2003
Well, I have been on my diet for a week, and I have dropped 10 pounds. My clothes are looser, but I need to take my measurements, I don't care so much about weight as I do about fat percentage. I have been sick for a few days, that is not so fun. Tai Chi started yesterday, and that was really good, I am glad I am taking it, then I went to Butoh practice after, and that was awesome. I really haven't been doing much, just working as much as I can and training. Hopefully I will get paid tomorrow, then I can take care of some debt I have... pay for Wing Chun, my credit card, and my parents. I have alot I want to do, but sadly I don't think I will be doing them right now. I need to pay off my debt and get to Italy. Such a hard thing for me to do, it seems as if it's a million years away. I keep hoping something will come up, but it looks like I will have to do this one all by myself, at least through only my efforts. My heel is not hurting as much, but since I started taking Noni Juice, I have lost my numb pain in my back and now it's several specific points with pain. I guess that is good, I just hope I get to the point where the pain is gone. I am feeling like breaking my diet right now, I am just craving some circus peanuts or some sort of sugar. I have had no carbos today, so I think tonight I will have 20 carbos of some sort of candy. OK I just checked up on my diet, and sugar is a super no no. If I want anything sweet I should order some from the atkins site, or eat something that has an artificial sweetner in it, but only certain kinds. But I have a sweetner that does not affect your blood sugar level and has no carbs, so I might just make myself something sweet to eat!
Sat. Jan 04 2003
Well... I have no clue what is going on, but today I was very upset. I also missed out on going down to St. George, because my sister left early this morning instead of waiting till after my class. Yeah I love family members who are kind. So I have been stressed out, tired, irritable, and confused. I guess I have to ride it out, but I just wish something would change so I didn't always revert back to these feelings, Maybe this is just a normal feeling and not one of my 1-2 week "moods" I have just finished downloading a million Beatles songs. I already have them all so I don't know why I did it again... oh well I guess I needed something to do. I am not looking forward to work on monday, actually right now I am dreading work. I like the feeling of accomplishment, but lately I have just not felt up to it very much. Oh well I have to pay my bills. I also am not sure if I am going to ask Darcie out tomorrow, I just have to play that one by ear. I went to Rodizio with jon again today, and that cute hostess was there, but once again I did not feel that I should ask her out. So I am now just trying to keep the same ol same ol of everyday life from driving me insane. My family is really getting on my nerves right now, but hopefully they will just leave me alone. I had fun in class today, Alana and I worked together, I couldn't stop looking in her eyes, they are a beautiful light brown. We laughed alot and smiled alot, and just had a good time. I can't believe she is 32, but I might just ask her out too, course it depends on what my feeling of that is, so far I have not felt inclined to do so. I have alot to work on in everything I am working towards right now, and I definately need to develop patience. Well I am going to bed I am sick of feeling tired.
Thurs. Jan 02 2003
Well I spent some time online today, way too much time, but I have my website back in order again with a few changes. Obviously it's a work in progress, but I enjoy it. Talked with a girl named Jenny alot lately, she is awesome, has alot of the same views as me and is completely laid back. I added some pictures from a website I went too, I love that website, lots of nifty pictures. I work again tomorrow... back to the same old pattern, but oh well you have to do something to get somewhere. Saturday I go to Wing Chun, and after that I go to St. George for the blessing of adison, that will be nice. Other than that not much is happening. Just reading a couple books at the same time, as usual, and trying hard to drink a gallon of water a day, I was way short today, I only got about 2/3 of a gallon. I am also on my new diet now too, so Hopefully in the next month you will hear some good news. Tons of fun... I just want to type alot and I have nothing to say.