Mon. Mar 17 2003
Well, I am now a writer for www.everything2.com I submitted my first node today, that was nice, I hope it doesn't get voted down. I hung out with Brenda on friday, I loved it, I like her more and more. That Nate guy is a total moron though. Thankfully she is not interested in him anymore. I just have to say this again, I really really like Brenda, she is awesome, each time we are together I like her more, and I just want to be near her. I really liked going out and doing things with her, we are planning on riding horses again, and hiking, and stuff like that. Other than that I am just struggling up out of my depression, trying to occupy myself each day and get back on track. Pretty weak entry eh? Oh well, it's all I'm going to do for now. Oh yeah, I love Brenda, I just don't have the guts to tell her that yet, and I only want to do it in person. Ok ByeTues. Mar 11 2003
Well, Brenda spent the weekend here, that was wonderful. We spent nearly the entire time just holding one another, my back wants to murder me for it, but I think it was worth it. At one point I woke up and our bodies were pressed together flat (although we were on our sides) and out lips were against each others. Well being the man that I am, and the fact that I have strong feelings for Brenda, I kissed her, and she kissed back. I kissed her alot, and she continued to kiss back, but it was soft and gentle, with little or no emotion behind it, so I after a while I asked her if she was ok with the kissing, and she said she wasn't sure whether she wanted to or not. (ok, so I forget exactly what she said, but I basically took it to mean that she did want to kiss me, but she was holding out for Nate) I really liked the time we spent together, and I want to spend more with her, Hans was jealous (I don't think that's the right word) of the fact that I was holding a woman the entire time he was here, and he didn't have one to hold. The last night she was here, we were eating popcorn and watching Patton, and when she didn't want popcorn anymore I was still feeding it to her (we were feeding one another, and holding hands, as well as spooning, all at the same time) and she would open her lips enough to hold the popcorn there, and then I would take the popcorn from her mouth with mine. I gotta say I really liked that. I am not happy about Nate coming here to spend over a week with her, I think he is just trying to get in her pants, and there is alot of danger in sharing an apartment with someone of the opposite sex that you are attracted to. Although I have thought of doing something like that as well... (yeah, yeah, I AM male) I don't know if I could ever do that without a very very very strong commitment with her. (basically to the point of marriage, although I do know that I am only human, and because of what I have done in the past combined with that, I might slip up and do alot more than I should out of marriage, but hey, that's one of the reasons I am training in meditation and Kung Fu, and learning to listen to, control and redirect the urges of the body, mind, and spirit.) So if Nate trys anything with her without making a big commitment with her first, I will not be very happy with him, and if he does anything more than hang out with her I'll be jealous. On monday my mom made a Soup, it was chicken, chicken stock, cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, beans, rice, onions, garlic, paprika, basil, tarragon, I can't remember everything else, but it was really good. I am running everyother day now, and on the days I don't run I have Kung Fu or Butoh. My body is adjusting, but it's not going as fast as I would like, although I can run 2 miles no problem and that's only after the second time I went running. In one more month, after I have stamina, I will work on speed and sprinting. I need to start juggling and kicking on the days I don't go running, as well as study SOGR and the other money book we have. Last night I went to club Zephyr with Hans, Discobob, and Dubs to listen to DJ Vadimas and the Russian Percussion. It was awesome, everything was great except for the girl they had as an MC, she talked to much and her singing did not go with the music. (thankfully she was not singing or talking for the majority of the time) Well that about sums up what's been happening.
Fri. Mar 7 2003
And once again I will be talking about depression. I am more frightened now than I ever have been before. I have finally hit the cracking point. I am depressed, horribly depressed, I barely function, the problem is, all I want to do now is end it. I know it will never end in this life, and so as always, I am considering suicide, here is where the real problem is, I am so upset, and emotionally torn apart inside, I find that I actually have the desire to do it. Usually I have no desire what so ever to do anything so I sit an think and wait till I am not depressed. This time, I am ready to do it, I am balancing precariously, if I fall one way, I commit suicide, if I fall the other, I lose all emotion and desire. I can't stop thinking about how wonderful it will be when this is all over, I have cried repeatedly at just the thought of no longer having to go through this. I can only see two ways out, medication (mental death, and slowly the body follows, they give you so much medication you turn into a zombie) or physical death. Physical death looks really good, at least then it's all over. I have gone through repeatedly what I would write in a suicide note, as well as my own eulogy. Also I have settled on filling a 5 gallon bucket with water and holding my head in it till I die. If I can't do it that way, I haven't earned death by suicide. All the other ways are for chickens and wimps, but if I get far enough along, I'm sure I will just do it another way. My type of life is the worst torture I could think to impose on someone. Not only do I struggle daily with depression, or being manic and out of control, but I hear voices in my head, telling me to do things, I am always thinking of killing people, hurting them, and how I could destroy things. I don't initiate it, it just comes up. It's not just once in a while, it's all day everyday. Also, My dad in his inifinite wisdom has decided to kick me out of the house if I don't change my life. How in the hell am I supposed to change my life? He doesn't even know, but if I'm not more like him soon, I get kicked out. How is that help? To top it all off, he said that I was insane, not just to upset it me, it was in conversation. "you may be insane, but that's no reason not to have your life in order" it sounded like he was saying "you may be male, but that's no reason you can't get pregnant". I don't know what to do, I just want it all to end. Why do I have to live this life? I can never describe in words the overwhelming feelings inside, the torment, and torture I suffer daily. Like a maelstrom of emotions twisting and spinning inside me, just enough happy and loving feelings to give me a split second respite from pain, and then it starts over again, hour after hour of pain, with brief blips of happiness. (by brief I mean like half a second) It's driving me insane. Maybe my dad is right, but it hurt like hell to have him say it. All I want now is to end it all. Just to stop everything. It hurts so badly, and I just want it to stop.
Tues. Mar 04 2003
Alright, so I'm mortal, and I can be hurt. Sunday Isaac came back with J.L. and I from St. George to stay here for a week, well he woke up at 2 in the morning crying for his mommy. Because I'm the only one who seems to be able to function with little or no sleep (did someone forget that's exactly what causes me to have seizures?!?!?!) and the fact that I have the ability to manipulate and change my feelings, I walked, while carrying him, in a figure eight for an hour and a half, the entire time he was crying and screaming that he wanted to be held by his mommy. He also yelled that I had to get in the car and drive him home, that I had to go open the door, and that the floor was dirty so I had to go upstairs. That really rocked my world. It was so hard to keep from breaking down and crying. The entire time I was just praying that God would put him to sleep, so after an hour and a half he finally stopped crying and just wrapped his arms around me, put his head on my shoulders and sniffled. I kept walking with him till I thought he was out cold, and put him on the futon, then he woke up, so I had to start over. It didn't take quite as long for him to fall asleep this time, and then I took him upstairs and rocked him in the rocking chair for another half hour just to be sure he was asleep and then we both slept on the floor. I don't think I can cut it as a parent. Doing that was pretty tough. Also, I got an email from Brenda, it was about her trip to vegas this weekend (gee it would have been nice to know she was there, since I was too!) and also stuff about Nate, this guy she likes. Yeah I told Brenda I would cut off my feelings for her, but I refuse to do that to myself anymore. So the email she sent me hurt. Also I want to knock out this Nate guy, he has cuddled with her (so have I), and kissed her neck but not her lips (what is wrong with him?) and he has not made it clear what he wants from Brenda, and yet I have made it clear and I'm in the friend zone. I would like to say that Nate is doing things the right way, but I know that's a lie. I'll just keep wandering through life, trying to attain my goals, and I will come across someone who I like, and who likes me, and we are both open and honest with one another, and then we will at least have a good base to start a relationship from. Until then I will just keep trying to figure out what I can change to be a better person. I'm scared to death to even seriously attempt to become a pro soccer player, but I have begun my training in earnest. My father is going to help me change my muscles into fast twitch instead of slow twitch (basically fast is for speed, slow is for power) I am doing a Butoh performance for the Singels ward's talent show, that will be fun. Also I am studying Italian again. I don't have anything keeping me here, or from my goals except for fear, so I am going to feed my desire with that fear, I will become unstoppable. I also get to prune the trees this week, I just hope we get 5 feet of snow this week, we really need it. Well I have run out of things to write about, so yipee.