Tues. Nov 26 2002
I love Red Lotus School of Movement. It's like a family there!!! I'm having so much fun, I'm getting my life in order, and I'm learning a ton. Fantastic! I'm on top of my finances, and I am even saving money! Things are great, not perfect, but hey what is? At the current pace I am at, I will be in Italy in a year and a half, if I choose to at that time. I believe I will. I am working pretty hard right now, 8-10 hour days, not as hard as when I was roofing, but still above average I guess. I like learning all of this stuff, but I have been shocked I think about 11 times in the past 2 days, electrical work is fun, but the current in a house can kill you. Oh well, I still refuse to turn off the breaker, I just work really carefully, and get shocked only half a dozen times in about 2-4 hours of work. Besides all of that, nothing is really happening. I take that as a good omen, cause I need time for everything to solidify, then I can handle some more change. Until then I guess I won't be updating everyday. (I really only do that when I have alot going through my mind, otherwise it's only like twice a week or so)
Thur. Nov 21 2002
Wing Chun was good, I am coming along well. I got paid wed. and I now have $200 in savings, and $235 in checking, plus I paid 250 on the principal of the loan of nicoles car, she should be able to trade it in a month from now, and not be upside down in it. Butoh rules, tonight we did alot of primal type movements, actions, and sounds. I feel much better, I found out that one of the main reasons I want to be a pro soccer player is so that I can win the love of my parents, but I also found out that I love playing soccer and that I can now make the decision whether or not I want to pursue a career in it. I think I will. Sifu Gardner is helping me with my ego and pride, it's tough, but he told me that I can not train under him if I do not get over these problems. Part of that is because of how I react when my parents ask me to do things, he won't allow me to train with him if I do not respect my parents, and love them. All in all I think going to Red Lotus School of Movement has been one of the best things I have done, or will do. My life is always getting better, and I feel better too. I hung new christmas lights on the house... that is fun, super steep roof, me on it running around in loose shoes with no socks on, with my injured toe. I hurt alot doing it, but I got all of it done. It still looks the same too, I hope these lights last over 6 years too. It has also sunk in, that I will be performing for the festivities of new years eve here in salt lake, doing Butoh, I'm scared, but I know when I get out there everything will go away and it will just be me and my intuition. Well that's all that's going on right now. Talk to you later.
Mon. Nov 18 2002
OK so I had some computer trouble, my NIC (network interface card) didn't work. It's all fixed now, so I can get back to updating on a semi regular basis. I got hit really hard this weekend by another mood. I wanted nothing more than to just have my life end. I wish I could explain to you what it is like, to have these mood swings happen, and to have no real control over it, to be upset with someone and not even know why, or to have no desire to do anything. When it's all over I get hit with anguish and frustration, it's like being beaten with an emotional baseball bat. All I could think of for 2 days straight was "Please God, let me die, let all of this end. Why won't this just end? I don't care anymore, I just don't want to suffer like this, please end my life." Sadly I can not take my own life, I know that, I tried when I was younger, so all I have left is pleading with God to end it all for me. I would be in a state of elation if it would just stop. All I can think of to stop it though is death. Medication doesn't do it, sure the moods stop, but so does my thought process and my feelings. That life is just as bad as the one I have, even worse, in this life I at least have happiness. Other than that, well I know that I am not willing to go on a mission, what kind of LDS person am I? Not willing to go on a mission... Makes me kinda feel like a failure. Oh well, maybe I can figure out why I don't want to go. All else is good, I injured my toe by kicking the table while I was asleep. (a vivid dream, and I sleep on the floor) I took a huge chunk out of my toe, it was nifty, I had to cut off the skin and bandage it all up. I guess I won't start running for another week. All things in time eh? I will get there, I just need patience and perseverance.
Thur. Nov 14 2002
Wow it doesn't feel like nearly a week since I last wrote. Not alot has happened, work is work, and that's nice. I went to Butoh class tonight, I really really liked it, I think I will keep going, if I do so I will be training for a show in early december, and another on new years eve. It goes well with Wing Chun teachings, and I hope it will have a positive affect on my life like Wing Chun has. As it is, all of my plans are still there, in the future, but I am definately putting things on hold and building a foundation that I can rise up from. Money is no problem right now, but I am sure that could change at any time, such is life. I am feeling better, and I think next week I will begin my soccer training again. I just hope I am not pushing things to quickly. I guess we will see. I refuse to give up though. I will attain my goal and dream of being a pro soccer player. The road there will be tough, and definately not what I expected, but such is life eh? I wish I knew what else to say I am just in a state of calm and clarity. I am content. Welp talk to you soon.
Sun. Nov 9 2002
All I did in St. George was play with Isaac. Partly because I wanted to, and partly because he would not let me go anywhere without him. He's super cute, and one of the coolest kids I know. Other than that I have once again enjoyed my Wing Chun class (on saturday) the drive down to St. George was normal, same with the drive back, each took me about 3 and a half hours, not bad for 300 miles, but I was shooting for 3 hours... people just don't know driving etiquette. Work was not too tough, but it was work. Other than all of that, everything is normal and fine.
Fri. Nov 8 2002
Work is tough, I'm tired, but things are getting better. I went to talk to Sifu Gardner last night, I feel much better, he said that I have done nothing to jeopardize my standing with the school, and that he was going to write a prayer for me. He also tole me to remain open to what life will give me, not to grab whatever comes along, but to be open so that I may see it, and then come and talk to him about it. I have a busy day tomorrow, I get to wake up at 5:30 A.M. and go fix the main water line at a house, then go and paint the walls in another house and also setup 5 power boxes, then at 10 A.M. I go to Wing Chun, and after that is over, if I'm lucky I am heading down to St. George. I really want a girlfriend, I just know I can't handle one right now. I have alot of money in savings, but I will be paying my parents alot of it. I feel like I haven't had much time to ponder things, I am just working and then hanging out with friends, then sleeping, I think a change is in order. Hopefully soon I will know what that change is. Well, I might be updating tomorrow from St. George, if not, dang, I guess I will figure out something else to do.
Wed. Nov 6 2002
This is a two day thing, on tuesday I went to Wing Chun, it was great, I recorded the meditation session, and am now in the process of putting that on tapes and cds to distribute to the class. I learned alot, and am loving it, after class was over I had an altercation with one of the other students. I attempted to assist in a healing through manipulation of energy, and got scolded in return for my attempt. Sifu Gardner had no part in it, it was Lena, she seemed to have a problem with me. I will speak with Sifu tomorrow night after they end the Botuh class. Today we got alot done on the Coltrin home, a new floor in, and the first coat of mud on. I found out that Bonnie Goins died, it came as a shock, last I heard was she was doing great. She has struggled with brian cancer for years, she was the first one I thought of when the tumors in my own head were brought to my attention again back in Virginia. The first time she had surgery she did absolutely fine, just like me, the second time... well stuff happened after I guess, and now she is dead. I wish it wasn't so, I really liked her. I hope her family will cope with this well, her oldest daughter brandi seemed to be doing well, and same with her son stephen, but her 13 year old daughter lauren, well I am unsure how this will affect her at all. That's the way life is though I guess. Tonight I start my at home training of Wing Chun, Jon Jon is coming over, and we will work out for about 30 minutes. Tonight about an hour before I go to sleep I will meditate, and hopefully I will get my energy systems working for me better so That I will get in shape faster! Other than all of this nothing is happening, just another day of life.
Mon. Nov 4 2002
Yeah, so I went to work. We finish the job today, and these people are mad at us because the actual bill is $200 over the estimate we gave them at the beginning. Uhhhh don't people know what estimate means? es·ti·mate v.es·ti·mat·ed, es·ti·mat·ing, es·ti·mates 1. To calculate approximately (the amount, extent, magnitude, position, or value of something). So I'm reading that as meaning "not exactly what the final cost of a project will be" I guess they didn't get the memo. What upsets me the most is, I informed them that I had two seizures and that is why we could not make it saturday (and the fact that we don't work weekends), and she was mad because we did not tell her this on saturday (we did tell her we don't work weekends), instead matt just called and apologized for not being able to make it on a saturday. Then I tell her that my seizures is not something I like people knowing, and then she says "well that doesn't matter" I nearly broke her neck. They were satisfied with the work, they told us so, they just won't pay the price... the sick thing is that Cal won't make any profit on this at all... he will be losing $100.00 and the bill was for a total of $1065.00 I wish there was something I could do. Other than that everything is great, I'm feeling much better, I know what I'm doing, and I'm fairly happy all the time. I don't like the idea of working around all the dust so much, it makes me break out on and off... kinda annoying, but so what, I don't have anyone around here to impress. Hopefully it will go away once I no longer work here. Who knows. Welp that's all for now.
Sun. Nov 3 2002
Nothing big really happened today, I got to hang out with Isaac, and I fell asleep on the floor at Cal Robinsons house, my brother's father-in-law. I had a seizure at roughly 3 A.M. saturday morning, and then another at roughly 6 A.M. it took alot out of me and I am still pretty tired. I hate seizures, I wish I could describe the feeling I get just before I have them, or the taste in my mouth after, but the worst part of it is how I feel, like I have no control, and like a little child again. I'm always alone in this feeling, and no one is able to help me. It basically strikes to the heart, and cuts through all defenses and everything contained their in. I wish I had a different job, but I guess you have to start somewhere, who knows where I will be in the spring. I'm tired of course, but I'm still my optimistic self. even though everything I have written down in the past seems depressing, and daunting, I usually recover and am just happy go lucky. Well I just want to sit and read so I'll talk to you later.
Fri. Nov 1 2002
So life is nice again, I work alot, I don't hurt too much now, although I injured my shoulder arm wrestling with courtney, and then messing around with some plumbing pipes... oh well, I will heal in time. I added a poetry section to my site, I guess I better get to work and write more, cause it seems like there is very little, but alas I have never been much of a poet. Not too much has happened, work, work and work, Wing Chun class was great. Sifu Gardner spent time teaching about how the foundation is the most important, and technique does little. So basically, I should just meditate, and practice the basic form, all else will come in time. I have a meditation pillow now, and the pad will be ready in the middle of november sometime. I am struggling with the basic form, but I hope to have it all memorized by the end of next week. I am slowly climbing uphill, but I am so tired, I guess I just need to keep on going, I really can't afford to quit, at least if I want to accomplish my dreams and goals. My brother Brandon went to tryouts for the local pro soccer team today, that really puts a bug under my skin, but that's good, cause I will work harder now. I should get paid Nov. 5, that will be nice, then I can pay some bills, and maybe save some money. I still have my tithing money in my wallet, I keep slacking off, I just need to get an envelope, I don't do anything with the money but keep looking at it and saying "I need to pay my tithing" I played with my nephew Isaac, he is the coolest, I could hang out with him all day. Tomorrow I have Wing Chun class, and then I go to work to hopefully complete this job... we have less than 5 hours to do it in. I think it will take us about 3 hours to complete, we have spent 10.5 hours already on it. I don't like working on Saturdays, it just isn't fun. I need to buy a new alarm clock, I don't think I will be able to fix the one I have now, oh well it was good while it lasted, I guess 10 bucks is ok for a full year of use. It was one of those with metal bells on top... it was super loud. I will try and fix it one more time though. My dad's website should be up and running tomorrow night, once I finally finish typing it up, it's a work in progress, but I think he will be happy with it once he can see it visually and finally give me info on what he really wants. Other than all that I can't really think of stuff to write here. Oh well, something will come up in the middle of the night and I might add it.