Sun. Oct 27 2002
I want to die. I want it all to stop forever. I never want to exist again. I can't stand being around people... what ever happened to cause this? I want nothing more than to stop existing when I am around people. I hurt inside, I can barely stand it, and yet in time it will go away, and when I'm around people again it will flare up, bad thing is, well there are 6 billion people in the world, you're almost always around people. A few years I put alot of thought into becoming a hermit, I may still do that, if only I could function a little better when I am around people, and just after. I feel like crushing my head right now, oh well, I will probably never do it. I don't think I will ever read these entries again, all of my journal entries will do nothing but depress me and upset me. Everything else is going well, I am working again tomorrow, church was good today I really liked the talks, and I even sat through ward prayer tonight (it happened to be at my house) and now I want nothing more than to have this torture cease. I can't be around people... everytime I am I want more than death, I want to cease existing. Maybe that is why I never kill myself, because I know I will still be after my body passes on. What's the point in dying if you won't escape what you are running from? I have tried to face it, and deal with it, but that just causes me to collapse into darkness and hatred, and then other peoples lives are in danger, not just mine. And now I see why I want no one to be or get close to me, and if anyone I cared about knew this chances are they would feel differently after, especially since this is something that is not going to change, ever, I have always felt this way. As a child I wished to kill myself, it's one of the first memories I have, and to also kill my family. Some would say I'm pyschotic and in need of help (several counselors, pyschiatrists, and pyscotherapists) and yet I have killed no one, I can't even kill an insect without becoming emotional. The problem is, that the feelings are still there, the feelings to hurt and destroy, and I will never know if they will ever push me to the point where I will do it. Why am I so happy right now? I'm about to explode with joy and at the same time I have all the other feelings I have described. I am so calm and peaceful, it's like I have two sides, and they are alive and awake at the same time, both exactly equal in strength and desire, but opposite in how they make me feel, or what they make me think of. Now maybe someone will understand why I wish to die, it's not because life here is bad, I love it, I'm an extreme optimist, the glass isn't even half full, it's overflowing, there is air in around and above it, plus the water too. It's the other half that is in constant conflict with me, the half that I need to be human, but it's hold and strength is too much for me, but not enought to overwhelm me. I just wish it would leave, or I could never have it. And now I feel my depression siezing me, if I'm lucky I will still function for the next few days, if not I will be in a ball on the floor weeping.
Sat. Oct 26 2002
Life is odd sometimes. Wing Chun was good today, I enjoyed it alot, gave me alot of questions, and some answers. After class alot of us went to lunch at the Atlantic Cafe on Main and 345 S. It was good as usual, after I got into a minor argument/fight with my dad. He wanted me to help out around the yard for a few minutes and I was hoping to rest today and tomorrow so I could recover from the work I have done and show up refreshed on Monday for work again. Basically I reacted to my father again, I got upset and wanted to do nothing for him at all... there is a background story here, he barely has any feeling in his left arm now (he is left handed) and it hurts for him to work with it alot. The stuff he needed help with was stuff I could do but that would hurt him to do. We argued a bit, I did some work, and then we argued more and he finally just told me he would do it himself, so I went inside and relaxed. It sucks, I feel like crap. Why can't I just do things for him? Why do I always get so angry? Part of my training is to release anger, ignorance, and attachment. I failed at it again today. I don't feel like doing anything right now. Tonight I went to a "how to host a murder" party, it was alot of fun, I enjoyed it and would like to do it again. Who knows if that will happen or not though... I hope I get some time in meditating tonight, and maybe a lil work on my form, I will definately meditate tomorrow, but I'm not sure about my form. I'm still trying to remedy the situation of me being exhausted, I just hope my body can recover enough so that I start climbing uphill instead of going down. I'm waivering on my daily scripture reading, but I'm still getting it done at least 4 days a week, hopefully that will rise as well. I pay my tithing tomorrow, it's been a while since I have done that... another habit I have to recreate again. Oh well it will all come in time I guess. I just hope I don't lose my life's goal and dream. I'm not sure what I will do then, soccer is the only thing I'm willing to work really really hard at, and it pays well enough that I could provide for a family, even after my career was over. I definately don't plan on buying a bunch of fancy stuff, I will live in an apartment that is the kitchen, living room, and bedroom in one, and a bathroom on the side. That's all I need, and once I'm married, well it will be an average or slightly larger home, but I won't spend a ton on it, that's just a waste. I have to keep money to support us till I die. I really have no schooling, I have owned a few companies, but I have no amazing qualifications. I am good at alot of things but I don't like doing most things as a job, or even for money. So basically I have no idea where my life is going or how I will survive, my only hope is soccer, and I am unsure whether I will ever attain that goal. Oh well, I informed the Lord what it was I wanted to do, and what I was going to do, and he gave me the go ahead, so we will see what turns out. Maybe after this is all over I will finally have it figured out. Where women are involved in my life, well I'm as confused about that as I ever can be. I still like them, but I am so tired and confused and lost, and I have so much I need to get right that I don't know if they will fit in right now. Course I'm not looking either, there is one, that will be here around christmas, I honestly glad she lives far away, cause then I can care about someone but not have the deep commitment that comes from being close, then I don't have to be around her everyday, I don't do super well when I am around people all the time. But I still like her, and I guess I get to figure all that out later on, cause right now she isn't even here and I have the rest of my life to figure out till she gets here. Crud this is long, well I will just write more if I think of it, right now I just want to sit and think.
Fri. Oct 25 2002
So I made it through the week with work, man I am sore. It's been 9 or 10 days of work, with only one day off... plus Wing Chun, my body needs time to recover... hopefully I won't have to work around the house tomorrow then I will have 2 days of straight rest, then my muscles will repair themselves. Of course I have Wing Chun tomorrow.... oh well. Things are slowly heading in a direction, what that direction is I don't know. I am listening to the fourth movement of beethovens 9th symphony in D, conducted by Arturo Toscanini. It's beautiful. I took a bath tonight, it has taken so much out of me I will be lucky to wake up and make it to class tomorrow. Other than all of that nothing has really been happening. I feel like saying more but I have nothing to say, I guess I will ramble on if I can. I might be in trouble, I am not sure when the last time was that I took my medication, for all I know it was a week ago. If I haven't been taking it regularly there will be a noticeable difference in my entries for a while. Maybe it will be something I can look back on and laugh about. I'm really worried right now about who I am going to marry, I don't plan on getting married for a few more years, but whoever I marry will be getting a handful. Not only will they have children to care for (if they decide they want children, I wouldn't mind them, but then again I'm not giving birth to them) they also have my moods to deal with. I don't think I have met many women in my entire life that are willing to gut it out for an entire lifetime in a situation like that. Heck I question whether I am willing to do that, and it's my life that would have to end if I am no longer willing to stick it out, instead of just a divorce or seperation. Sometimes I wonder, what about I am not sure, but I do wonder. Well my mind is blank and I'm about to collapse.
Tue. Oct 22 2002
Today was ok, I worked, and then worked, and worked some more. After that I got to go to Wing Chun class, it was awesome! We spent alot of time on meditation and being aware. After, we worked on basic movements from the three forms, then we ended by doing the first (basic) form, called su lim tao (not sure on spelling). It was great, I barely have any clue as to what I'm doing, but I enjoy it, and I think with some hard work, within the next 3 months I will have the basic form nearly perfected. Hopefully then I can move on to the second form, or the defensive form. After that there is the third form, also known as the offensive form. I definately have to keep doing the basic form though, and the meditation. A minimum of 30 minutes a day, plus a minimum of 30 minutes a day working on Wing Chun. If I keep with that schedule, doing more when I can, I should be seeing some great changes and improvements within the next 3 months. I want to master Wing Chun, I hope that I will have time to learn much, and when I go to italy to continue training. Hopefully Sifu Gardner, will accept me for 2 or 3 months a year during the off season, and then I can train alone while in Italy. Someday I will be a master of it. Other than all of that not too much happened today. I realized (again) that I am fatter than I want to be, but as yet I can't afford to change my diet, especially since my friends pay for over half of the food I eat. Usually we end up where they want to go, and I feel horrible only eating the meat and things that have no carbos, and wasting the rest. Maybe I can figure sonmething out, I will think about it. Heck, I might just go on the low glycemic diet instead, and see how that works, or maybe go on atkins to lose 20-30 lbs, then onto the low glycemic and regulate my weight at where it would be then. I dunno, I'm not going to stress over it, I will find an answer.
Mon. Oct 21 2002
I enjoy working each day, it's good to get out and do something. Sadly this also brings to my attention the fact that I am severely far away from my goals and dreams. Do I just give up? Just give in? Resign myself to a life I don't want to live? I must find a way to make a change, something must give, either my pride, or my personal blocks. How do you find that drive and will to accomplish it all, and then keep it? How do you go on when it's no longer there? How am I going to do what needs to be done? I got my stuff for Wing Chun, my first class is tomorrow, I hope that I can center my chi and maybe get some peace, and if possible some enlightenment. I am looking for order in my life, cause so far I am unable to impose it upon myself by myself. Maybe I can learn some self control and restraint, I should be able to accomplish something with that. I still haven't changed my diet, I don't know how I will be able to afford to, and I have once again dropped my daily excercise. So I get to start that up again, along with the million of other things I'm doing. I would just focus on one thing and go fromt here, but really I'm confused on where I am going and how I am going to get there. When I figure that out I will hopefully start. Crap my whole life is just "if this happens I can change" and junk like that, I never do anything, I never accomplish anything, I'm sick of it and I think I'm slipping into my depression faze... I've been thinking about killing people alot, and just now I had the thought of "I'm sick of it, I might as well just end it all" sad thing is I probably can't even do that. Hell, I've failed before, I can't decide if my life is worse now, or when I was in Virginia. There I had no will to do anything, to live or die. I thought about death constantly, if I didn't have a thought about dying every 3 seconds it was a miracle. But here, I now can see what I can accomplish and what I want, I have a desire for it, but I never get anything done, or I don't have enough desire, so it's like torture. In Virginia, I would have killed myself if someone told me to, here... well I'm not sure, it's more like it's my decision now, and the thought of things getting better, of attaining my dreams keeps my hope alive, but I never get anywhere, and that crushes them. It's like beating someone nearly to death, and at the same time tending there wounds, to keep them alive and healing, and still beating them, all simultaneously. Maybe it's how you are when you are Bi-Polar. I don't know, to me it's always been normal. The one thing I do know for sure, and that I have to look forward to, is that one day I will die. And that will be the end of it...
Thur. Oct. 17 2002
Well well well, my job is alot easier than I thought. Not too difficult mentally, just alot of common sense and a few laws you need to know. Also physically it's not as demanding as roofing, so this is a piece of cake. I had fun, I learned framing, yippy another skill I now have. After work I found out I have absolutely nothing to do at my house, no wonder I was getting my plump on, I don't do anything while I'm here! sheesh I lost 5 pounds just today at work, though I suspect most of that is water weight. Oh well, just need to change my diet and I will be back to my former glory! I think it was somewhere between a 28 to 31 in. on my hips. So I guess I will see if my hips grew at all or widened out. If not I will rule! I also feel much better about life, things are looking up, I love my life it's always up and down, from "life is fantastic and I love it no matter what" to "Why am I not dead yet? how is a human being allowed to live through this?" oh well, thems the breaks. I tried calling Deanna Combs today, an old friend from school, always had a crush on her, she gave me an oscar the grouch cup in 8th grade when I was home with mono. I was a fool for not pursuing her. Oh well, so I call, (I've been trying on and off for for a while to get a hold of her) and she wasn't home again, I think she is just trying to not talk to me. why don't people just tell you the truth straight up? sure it hurts, but it doesnt last super long, you get over it and move on. Well my plan is to just go to her house some day, all I want to do is talk to her, see how she has been doing, I'm not trying to get in a relationship with her... sheesh. Besides that fantastic bit I am wondering what on earth I am going to do this winter, Work, Snowboard, Run, Play in the snow, Snuggle with someone by a fire in some blankets and listen to music, and Go hiking up neff's canyon at like 1 AM when it's dead silent and just perfect. Someday I will get this all figured out, I just hope I'm not dead by then.
Wed. Oct. 16 2002
So, I start work tomorrow. Going to be doing construction, I really like making things and working hard, but I don't know how long I want to do this for. I really want to get on my way to Italy, I just have so much debt to pay before then. found out I owe my parents $3700.00 for debt accrued throughout my life. I have decided to pay that back now, so that's a pain, and also a car that my sister has assumed the payments for... well I feel responsible for it, cause it was for me, and when i couldn't make payments a few years ago she took over, and she doesn't even want that car but there is still $5000.00 on it. so I would like to pay that off too, and of course I need the $10,000.00 to get the extended stay visa for Italy. Plus I need to train and get in shape to play there, as well as support myself up until then. Sadly I wish to accomplish all of this within a year. WOW. Oh well, I will get it done somehow, sometime. I feel better, but not complete yet, course I dun know if you ever feel complete while here in this life, or at least feeling that way for an extended period of time. Today I spoke to someone named becca I met online, she is awesome, alot like me but just different enough to make things interesting, never mind the fact that she is 15 and lives in wisconsin. odd how things like that don't bother you until you are there in person... I don't think it would bother me then either... I really try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I watched "The Fog" it's a horrible movie, I never want to see it again. I know other stuff happened today, I just can't get my mind to bring them up. Oh well, I wil remember at like 4 in the morning and just have to write them down. talk to you later.
Tue. Oct. 15 2002
I just finished reinstalling windows on my computer. Not exactly my idea of a fun morning. but thankfully I have been able to do something and be away from everyone. I've missed taking my medication a few times, and so I'm not exactly feeling very social, or kind. Oh well, like I care. I would never take my medication if I didn't feel so freaking bad without it. And I don't mean "I'm just not myself" or "I'm feeling down" I mean I really hate the feelings I have when I'm off it, you know how you feel when your heart gets torn out by someone you care about, like when your father lets you down, or the woman you love leaves you. The next day when you just don't feel like you can move, where you have this feeling inside and the only way you know how to react is by letting all the anger and frustration and pain burst out, cause then you at least don't feel that pain, well... that's how I feel all the time. Even on medication, it's just more subdued. At least then I can handle it a bit, but right now I'm on the verge of curling up in a ball and crying, and at the same time about ready to take someones life. I wish it made sense, but sadly not much in my life does. I think I'm going to give up for a while, maybe I will get the will to do something or the strength to work through the way I feel.
Sun. Oct. 13 2002
So my day was slow, I worked on my webpage more, and spent time thinking about absolutely nothing. I have decided that at some point in my life I am going to pursue a woman and never let her go, until that time I will practice pursuing things and never letting them go. I am so tired and confused, what am I really going to do in life? I want to be a pro soccer player, but it seems that I don't want it enough... how can I change that? What can I do so that I will want it more than anything else? So that I will be succesful at it? How can I keep from feeling like a child? How do I stop hurting? If only I knew what the cause of the pain was, I just wish others understood me and what I felt and thought. Why do I get the urge to kill people? To kill myself? To fight and hurt people? Why does the vilest most bitter hatred and anger well up in me? and yet at the exact same time I love so many people, and want only to love and help them. I feel like I am being torn apart from the inside, but I have always felt this way so I know nothing will change, it's just my own personal hell. Someday I will die and then it will end, God willing. If only I could change it here, to do what was neccesary, to accomplish my dreams and touch the lives of others. To love a woman like I have never loved before. So much pain, and so much longing, and yet so seperate from one another. Someday I will understand, someday I will know.
Sat. Oct. 12 2002
Hmmm.... so I went to the cattle drive, it was fun, I barely saw a cow. The drought has really hit the area severely, (central Utah, near gunnison) they had no rainfall from Feb. to Sept. I really get an idea of what it's like being a farmer, just by listening to what they had to say and asking a ton of questions, that has to be such a hard lifestyle. I got to ride Tex, Jack Gilbert's horse, he is the greatest this is the third time I have had the opportunity of riding him. Oh yeah and the dogs that help herd cows RULE! They sneak up behind them and bite the achilles tendon, and then bark at them. They have balls. When I got back and my life hadn't miraculously changed, maybe I should talk to God about this. Now the dilemas, I don't really have any right now, nothing is bothering me too much, anything that is a bother, I can deal with or I am fine with, so I guess that is a dilema for me. I'm not used to not having a dilema! well I guess I'll go eat.
Fri. Oct. 11 2002
Well, I finally got my site up. I am in the process of learning HTML so that i can manage it on my own, lots of fun eh! anyways, tonight I go to gunnison to get ready for the cattle drive tomorrow. This will be the first time I have worn jeans in several years... I just wish physics stopped working when it came to friction and your legs rubbing on the sides of a horse. I have alot to write once I finally get the HTML down, until then I will be struggling through hours of trial and error to get suff right.